EXISTENTIAL LANGUISH

Surprise

2010-01-12T15:52:00.021+05:30

Tulika was having an exceptionally good day. Everyone got out of bed in time. Her husband didn’t leave the newspaper in the loo. She could button up the very first pair of pants she wore. No one spilled half eaten food or drinks on her. Even her temperamental car started at the very first go. A rare, brilliant start.

Amoy her ten-year-old did give her a scare from the backseat, saying he left his math homework at home. He found it and it passed. She sighed and cranked up the radio and hummed along. She threw a quick look at her six-year-old daughter, Tara, who was being unusually angelic. She decided not to overanalyze it and crossed her fingers.

While waiting for the kids to get inside the school gates, she decided to check in with her boss and find out the status on the Singapore Project. He took the call on the very first ring and sounded terribly excited. The project was a success and he swore that this meant the long awaited promotion was hers.

Tulika smiled as she pulled away from the school, ‘ Hmmm, bliss.’ she murmured.

She dug into her huge bag and pulled out a Ziploc bag filled with some fruit, biscuits and a sandwich. She would soon pull into the traffic stop where she met a little girl everyday. The darling cherub looked around the same age as her daughter. She stood on the footpath everyday, offering to clean people’s cars with a dirty piece of cloth. A few weeks back Tulika had begun bringing her a packet of food, on her way to work.

The signal turned red and she stopped the car and looked out. The little girl skipped to the car and said ‘Good morning Madamji!’ Tulika smiled back and handed her the packet.

The little girl’s face lit up with delight. Every morning she looked as surprised as the first day.

And that’s when the sadness came.

Bon appétit!

2010-01-03T18:31:00.023+05:30

2009 was a reasonably good year, lots of good stuff started and nothing too ghastly happened to me. Watching a wonderfully comforting film like ‘Julie and Julia’ on a cold december day was the perfect ending. Directed by Nora Ephron, it is the story of two women who love food, who love cooking and thank goodness, love writing. I shall not summarize the plot because I am recommending the movie and not rating it, I’ll just say Meryl Streep is brilliant as the great chef & author Julia Child and Amy Adams’ Julie is adorable.

The real Julie Powell claimed fame when she took up cooking 524 recipes from Julia Child’s first book, ''Mastering The Art of French Cooking" within 365 days in a tiny New York apartment (with a full time job) and blogged about the experience. Among other things, she went on to get a book and of course, a movie, deal for this remarkable effort.

The movie was a delectable feast for me not just because of the entire obsession with food in it but also because of how this passion suffused into the lives of the protagonists.

The kitchen has been such a huge part of the Indian woman’s life. But cooking four meals for huge demanding families everyday will take the magic out of food for anyone. I am, fortunately, from a generation, who finally, has a choice. I can often delegate the stove to my darling husband, the maid or the nearest take away. And knowing I have this choice makes cooking everyday, often twice a day, not much of a chore.

The time I spend alone in the kitchen simmering, stirring, seasoning and tasting are the closest I come to any form of meditation, my focus is rarely so centered. I could do it for hours without getting bored or tired. I love trying different kinds of food may it be in a gourmet restaurants or from a friend’s kitchen. While I eat, I try and figure out how a dish has been prepared and what has gone into it, through the aroma, texture and flavours. I would also, already, be imagining how I would cook it.

Even the psychology, biology and politics of food fascinate me. If I come across any food related show, my hand just freezes on the remote -may it be a serious news piece on how WTO policies affect food habits in the third world; a feature on organic farming; a frivolous cookery show; a series on cuisines and culinary histories from across the world. I am currently following a reality show with a food theme.

My enthusiasm and curiosity is such that a vegetarian from birth I started eating fish and meat simply because I could not bear missing out on all the gastronomic treats out there. The first time I tasted a simple dish of ricotta stuffed chicken breast, had my first sushi roll, had a slice of slow roasted lamb or felt the burst of flavours when I took the first bite of a Chorizo sausage – these were moments of revelation, I am so glad I did not miss. I still whole-heartedly enjoy all the lovely varied exciting vegetarian food around but now there is just so much more to love and relish.

I am not the only one afflicted with this madness, I have friends who discuss new and innovative recipes with me or describe a meal they had over international calls! So, I know there are food lovers like me out there who need to watch ‘Julie and Julia’ and see the most important thing in life being treated with the passion it deserves.

Bon appétit and a Happy New Year to all!

To be or not to be, again

2009-10-31T21:58:00.019+05:30

It has been a strange couple of months... every friend I am talking to seems to be soul searching, being in a similar state of mind (usually, particularly now) I have wholeheartedly taken part in these discussions. Everyone seems to be tired of the rat race and the futile yearning for the unknown.

One friend, a writer, tells me that she is tired of all the inanity in life, the day to day plodding, stress to make the ends meet, I feel the same way (and the ends keep stretching apart).

Another friend, a cinematographer told me that he is tired of doing mediocre work and the hope that someday he can give it all up and do the stuff he loves and enjoys (Same story, same story here).

This evening a friend in a rather cushy corporate job was saying the very thing I have been thinking- if we keep toiling towards creating that perfect life when will get around to living it.

The way I see it, there are only two ways of doing it either we resign ourselves to our current lives and make the best of it and continue to crib (and secretly fantasise about how and when we will get out) or we get out and start living it just the way we want it (for life is indeed a bitch and then we do die).

But darlings, the question is do we really know what we want? Do we have the guts to step out of this comforting cocoon (however inward looking) we have made for ourselves? I am constantly saying I want to get out of the city but am I really ready to leave my bourgeoisie South Delhi life? Are we ready to give up the little luxuries and labels we have got used to and live a spare but soulful life?

The great, Phillip Larkin comes to my rescue again and very succinctly sums up the dilemma:

Toads

- Philip Larkin

Why should I let the toad work 

Squat on my life? 

Can't I use my wit as a pitchfork 

And drive the brute off?

Six days of the week it soils 

With its sickening poison - 

Just for paying a few bills! 

That's out of proportion.

Lots of folk live on their wits: 

Lecturers, lispers, 

Losels, loblolly-men, louts - 

They don't end as paupers;

Lots of folk live up lanes 

With fires in a bucket, 

Eat windfalls and tinned sardines - 

They seem to like it.

Their nippers have got bare feet, 

Their unspeakable wives 

Are skinny as whippets - and yet 

No one actually starves.

Ah, were I courageous enough 

To shout Stuff your pension! 

But I know, all too well, that's the stuff 

That dreams are made on:

For something sufficiently toad-like 

Squats in me, too; 

Its hunkers are heavy as hard luck, 

And cold as snow,

And will never allow me to blarney 

My way to getting 

The fame and the girl and the money 

All at one sitting.

I don't say, one bodies the other 

One's spiritual truth; 

But I do say it's hard to lose either, 

When you love both.

More to follow on this, along with more of the brilliant Philip Larkin.

After a long hiatus

2009-07-22T18:29:00.020+05:30

Seven months is a long time to go without writing on a blog... so much happened that i didn't give my own twist to. I am back and am promising myself that i will try and write at least a post a week.

Now on some thots i didn't put a pen on-

The big whoosh called Obama (well my bubble has burst)

Dr. Manmohan Singh is back as PM (yippee to that)

The American war on terror (my pet peeve) is moving closer home (scary)

The Delhi high court's historical ruling on decriminalizing sex between consenting adults, irrespective of gender (hurrah)

Indian government's decision to introduce GM food crops into the market in the next three years (Cotton was bad enough, GM food is a terrible terrible solution to hunger-more to come on this)

The ruling on Prof. Sabharwal murder case (how much lower can governance stoop)

The Municipal Corporation of Delhi (Touching new levels of corruption everyday)

Dr.Binayak Sen's release on bail (i am confused can i be happy about his bail if i am still outraged at his arrest)

The soap operas and reality shows on Indian Television (the former are increasingly regressive and the latter too many & too badly produced)

The delayed or missing Monsoon (tragic)

My new studio (LOVE IT)

I am sure i have missed a number of other important stuff, I'll add them as i remember or get reminded...

There is no democracy without the non-conformist voices

2008-12-18T17:27:00.009+05:30

I thought it couldn't get more bizarre when news channels repeatedly played sound bites of people loudly demanding a police/army rule or saying that states be taken over by corporate houses or when heavily botoxed chat show hosts were suggesting that we not pay our taxes or cast our votes but I was mistaken, things were to get weirder. In the ultra nationalistic fervour that has taken over the country post 26/11/08 non-conformist voices have become more unacceptable than ever. And very strangely and sadly the Indian mainstream media has taken up the role of a very non-liberal watchdog. It has been very fashionable to target and ridicule Arundhati Roy for a while now but this kind of intolerant behaviour has been taken too far this time, human rights activists and other civil society members are openly named, cornered and abused by news presenters (I will not call them journalists, that is being too generous). You just need to watch any prime time news show to figure out what I am talking about, you will see half a dozen news anchors trying to do a Tim Sebastian of the ' BBC's Hardtalk' fame (none come close though, you need to be more than loud and rude to do that). One name I do need to mention here though is that of Arnab Goswami, he is mentally unravelling in front of the cameras, he is getting louder, more reduntant than ever and seriously rude.
Anyone not toeing the flag-waving line is being ganged up on. The famously corrupt Indian police force has suddenly become sacred and anyone questioning their motives or behaviour on anything that happened in the past or is currently happening are being branded traitors. I find this kind of jingoism really scary. The human right and development activists in this country have been waging a battle for reforms on all levels for years, much before the placard bearing- NDTV (n it's spin-offs) watching middle class temporarily woke up. If independent thought, alternate opinions and free voices are unwelcome then we might as well resign ourselves to living in a dumbed down society where the only acceptable line of thought are those expressed by the establishment (the opposition is part of that system) and by Bollywood stars. I am posting the link to a very interesting article written by Arundhati Roy, it is not important one agrees (I do) with what she has written. They are arguments that need to be heard simply because they open a very important alternate line of thought.
The link-
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arundhati-roy/9-is-not-11_b_150637.html

‘This is your farewell kiss, you dog!’

2008-12-16T13:12:00.015+05:30

Fortunately or unfortunately for Muntazer al-Zaidi he missed his mark when he threw his size ten shoes on Dubyaman. My first reaction on seeing the scene on news was an instant smile, that broke out spontaneously.It was only a few moments later that the symbolism of an Iraqi Shia muslim throwing his shoe at Bush and saying, 'This is your farewell kiss, you dog' sunk in. I believe Zaidi's disgust and anger got triggered when he heard Bush continue his litany of lies by claiming that the war on Iraq was necessary and when he went to say that American occupation must continue. Zaidi has personally been caught in this spiral of violence that Iraq has been stuck in, he has been a victim of violence at the hands of Al Quaida, American forces and Iraqi police.
I am sure 'polite society' and 'political leaders'(fearing a similar fate) all across the world would say it was not an 'elegant' thing to do but where are these people while Bush and his continous lies are systematically destroying a country and its people (or is that a done thing?). Everyone talks about the number of American soldier who died in Iraq, I feel terrible about them but what about all the innocent civilians dying everyday in Iraq, who is counting them?
Why did Bush go on this 'farewell' tour, to gloat over his 'achievements'? I am just glad somebody gave him the farewell he deserved, there is no bigger insult in the East than to hit someone with your shoe or call someone a dog. My only grouse is that a symbolic shoe throwing however brave and well timed just does not suffice, Bush should be tried for war crimes not just by the USA but by the world.
I only hope Muntazer al-Zaidi gets released from the prison soon and does not become a victim of his one symbolic act of protest. There have been reports that he was severely beaten up after the incident.
I couldn't find a clear video of the the shoe throwing but found a pretty decent report on it by BBC, so here is the link-
http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=UzInWK2ldgE

War On Terror? Please, not again!

2008-12-09T17:20:00.027+05:30

I have a lot of things to write about, like the hysterical 'five star' panelists on different news channels (making most of the moment). NDTV even made Shobha De's cliched phrase, 'Enough Is Enough', their campaign punchline. Ms.De definitely did not feel enough is enough when Raj Thackerey and MNS were terrorising ordinary Mumbaikars (she even went on to justify his reasons in a feature in the TOI). And she the writer of trite and terrible books was busy criticizing the oratory skills of Dr.Manmohan Singh when the rest of the country was wondering how many more will die. There is more on this topic but it will have to wait.

Another upcoming post is on the 'cooperation' Pakistan is offering in the form silly games and placebos and of course America's benignly patronising attitude towards them.

The other topic that will come later is the one that was mentioned by a friend in his comments, the option of India bombing the terror camps in Pakistan. I have plenty to say on the futility of precision aerial bombing (it is never precise and will surely lead to war) but it will also have to wait.

I have to first write about the term 'War on terror', made popular, in recent times, by a very, very short-sighted man who happens to be the outgoing President of USA. This man went on to prove to his country and the whole world how stupid and misdirected his 'War on Terror' was when he decided to attack (A)Iraq (bcoz Daddy couldn't finish the job, earlier). I really don't need to go into what a disaster this particular cowboy's adventure was.

Why am I bringing this up now? Because there are a bunch of jokers out there who happen to be running news channels and news magazines under the banner "India Today Group" who have decided to adopt this term-'War On Terror' to generate hysteria to gain TRP and readership. Not only is this extremely irresponsible it is also very dangerous in such vulnerable times. The loud and belligerent phrase that destroyed Iraq has too much connotation attached to it to have its meaning mistaken for a mere nationalistic phrase of protest.

I must add here that 'Headlines Today' or 'Aaj Tak' are not the only TV channels that are war mongering, plenty of others are. Why does the electronic media so desperately want 'action', for more continuous live TV? Many out there are in an adrenaline driven zone now (like a caffeine hangover), after days of watching noisy armed action on TV and listening to truckloads of ranting 'opinion leaders'. I am hoping things will calm down and people will realise that the soldiers they are so excited seeing in combat are human not 'GI Joe' toys and realise the cost of what they are being egged on to demand.

We have the an elaborate blueprint of one such failed war. Let us take a look and learn our lessons before we start demanding similar solutions.

The poem below was written around the eighteenth century but I think it tells the story of George.W. Bush's recent 'War on Terror' very eloquently.

War

The victories of mind,

Are won for all mankind;

But war wastes what it wins,

Ends worse than it begins,

And is a game of woes,

Which nations always lose:

Though tyrant tyrant kill,

The slayer liveth still.

---Ebenezer Elliot

India post 26/11/08 : Change- Wish List 1

2008-12-04T16:29:00.091+05:30

The grief and anger is overwhelming. I know, the frequency of terror attacks is supposed to make us numb and indifferent but it will be a really sad for humanity if that happens. It does not matter to me what the social or economic status of a victim is, the loss of a life and the accompanying pain cannot be classified. The trauma experienced by every one of those innocent people, who got caught in this terrible siege, may it be at CST, Taj, Oberoi, Nariman House, Cafe Leopold or on the streets will live with them forever. The stories of bravery and sacrifices made by the various staff, common people, police personnel and the soldiers are endless and restore faith in human goodness. And whatever might be the reasons for the sudden outburst of voices we are hearing across the cities, they give me hope. These voices might be labelled urban, middle class or even 'too late', but they make me want to think, I am so glad there are people feeling, reacting and talking, I don't know for how long but it is enough, for now, that it has started.

There has been enough postmortem of the events since 26/11/08 attacks and their fall out. The media is doing more than an adequate job of it. A lot is being said about 'why' and 'how', I want to focus on 'now what'. I am making a list of changes that I feel are urgent and necessary, especially, now. The ultimate list is huge because the change we need to look for is vast, so I am limiting myself, now, to issues that are direct fall out of the events of those terrible three days and of course it reflects the public outcry ensuing since. This list will hopefully get longer as some of you add to it. I must say though that these suggestions are not mine alone, so many friends and acquaintances have contributed to it over the last one week.

1. Create a Federal Agency of Investigation/Intelligence, centralize terror investigations, do not let narrow state level politics influence the results, make it transparent and verifiable.

2. Effective foolproof Anti-Terror Law. Not draconian laws like POTA that are misused thoroughly as a power tool by politicians. Stop demanding for POTA, it was tried and tested- it failed. Think, consult and don't make populist moves again.

3. Police reforms- this one is so urgent that I am surprised more people are not talking about it. Increase the police force, the ratio of people to cops is seriously skewed at the moment. Pay better so that it attracts young, capable people. Spend more time, thought and money on the training and fitness.

4. Get latest technology and equipment for all the security forces, including the police (We do not need to get into the details of why this is needed, thanks to constant television coverage we have all seen what lack of latest weapons, designated aircrafts and even obvious stuff like night vision technology did). Also, there should be more security checkpoints in crowded places, with latest functional equipment, the cops manning these must be trained well in using the technology and should be armed to react if necessary.

5. Modern paramedic services, more ambulances. Ambulances equipped with latest technology. Have you ever tried to call for an ambulance, there are hardly any available, private hospitals have some, but they are there to take you to them. Have you heard of something called trained paramedics Mr.Ramdoss and whoever your successor might be?

6. Modernize hospitals (clean them up at the least). Increase the number of hospitals and beds. In case you have not seen our population is multiplying everyday. The reason people from rural areas crowd the city hospitals is because they do not have any functioning health facilities.

7. Modernize the Fire Departments, give them latest equipment and safety gear, train them to work in a security crisis, increase their force.

8. CRISIS MANAGEMENT SYSTEM/ QUICK RESPONSE SYSTEM. We need this both at the state and centralized level. This should include the above mentioned highly trained police, medical personnel, fire fighters and other emergency personnel including NGOs working in the related fields. This system will not only come into action during terror strikes and other security threats but also during natural disasters and other emergencies. Don't forget how many people died in the recent Bihar floods because they did not receive rescue services on time. Depending on the Army for every crisis is an inefficient system.

9. Design and create an effective media campaign to educate people on how to be aware of security threats and on how to respond during a crisis. This will be useful not only during the kind of hostage situation we faced last week but also during natural disasters.

Now to the political reforms:

10. We need to commit ourselves to remove crime from politics. Anybody with any proven criminal history must not be allowed to participate in the electoral process. Crimes included must be inciting and abetting mob violence, financial scams and corruption. Even people who are being investigated for terror links must be kept out of the electoral process (I have been hearing rumors about Pragya Thakur being offered tickets to contest elections). If we do not succeed in making the self serving Parliament pass a legislation we as people must monitor such candidates and reject them irrespective of party loyalties.

11. Ban the use of caste and religion as political planks. Do not allow political parties to use these labels to promote themselves and divide the country. Did we not witness centuries of exploitation through the same means. Why are we quietly watching them do it again?

12. Election Commission must monitor the electoral process more closely and make sure that sensitive national issues are not used as campaign tools, especially those that might lead to breach in national security.

13. Make every new MP and MLA go through rounds of rigorous orientation courses and tests. Make them take refresher courses every year. Train them to understand what it means to be a part of a Democratic process and the responsibilities that come with it. It is not just about the power or access to funds.

14. Have transparent and regular performance appraisals and audits of ministers and ministries. Have appraisals on a localized level for MPs and MLAs. Put the results of these audits out for public review.

15. Faces at the governments might change every five years but make the governing structure, the bureaucracy capable, transparent and accountable. Modernize the system, in fact, reassess the selection process' like the current structure of UPSC exams.

16. Review VIP security. If necessary create another force to protect them, pull these personnel out of the police force. Why are the best trained commandos from the armed forces protecting these handfuls of civilians, when they could all be utilizing their talents in a much better manner in the many troubled zones across the country?

17. Make the pay scales of MPs, MLAs and Ministers at par with market rate. This will make politics a viable and sustainable option for youth and it will also help in reducing corruption.

18. Stop ignoring Naxal militancy and other insurgency issues at the centre. They are dangerous and deeply embedded in large parts of the country. Examine and address the root causes. Participate in dialogue with the rebels. At the same time have well trained forces involved in disarming them. Stop exploiting and ignoring the needs of forests and tribals.

19. Stop ignoring the dangerously porous border on the East. Militancy in North East has not only destroyed generations of families but also the whole social fabric of the effected regions. Hasn't it been acknowledged many times that it is aided by outside forces?

20. At least display some political will from all sides to find a solution to the Kashmir problem. How long will the valley live in terror?

21. Do not resort to populist demands for vigilante people's forces; we have seen many times in the past that resorting to outsourcing law-and-order, arming untrained and unaccountable civilians has led to worse problems, may it be in Assam, Jammu and Kashmir or Chhattisgarh's infamous Salwa Judum.

22. Do not get into a diplomatic isolation again. Terrorism is now a global issue, take the help offered. America already has a stake and a firm foot in Pakistan. Tread carefully, though, do not get drawn into serving as an American military base or vantage point in the sub continent.

23. Avoid war. One, the human cost of war is always terrible. Two, WE CANNOT AFFORD A WAR. We are a 'developing' economy with a major part of our population still living in extreme poverty. Also, we along with the rest of the world are in middle of an unprecedented global economic recession.

24. Stop looking for American style solutions. India and USA are very different, geographically and economically. Even the Americans are struggling with their hasty and badly planned 'War on Terror'. Their badly planned actions are causing a lot of grief and trouble to them; their allies and the world. The introduction of draconian laws like the USA Patriot Act have not yielded any great results, there also (please see, point 2 on POTA). They have not been able to make a dent in ‘Al Queda’, their current enemy number one.

25. Finally and maybe most importantly we need a responsible citizenry and civil society. Our participation is necessary for the democracy to function in the true sense. Let our voices not die, let us continue the dialogue. A responsive and broad based civil society is as important as the electoral process and elected representatives. Let us not condemn the democratic process for there are countries across the world struggling for years to be a part of it. Yes, condemn the corrupt politicians, ensure that better people join politics and garner support for them. We cannot beat them unless some of the stronger ones among us join the system. We want a clean system let us also start cleaning it from our end and take our responsibilities as citizens seriously. Let us start by voting responsibly and paying our taxes, if we want any change. Who do you think pays those NSG commandos the whole country is praising ? Next time we see a person being victimized for her/his caste, gender, religion, economic status, cultural differences or regional origins let us step up and protest, in whatever way we can; let us stop bribing, for even the smallest thing; we must stop cribbing when there are security checks at airports, markets, railway stations or cinema halls; let us not, ever, say "chal ta hai yaar, duniya ke saath chalna padta hai or aaj kal duniya kharaab hai kya kare".

India post 26/11/08: To feel and to speak out is the first step

2008-12-04T11:50:00.014+05:30

I cannot remember after university days when was the last time I had and was witness to so many impassioned discussions on political will or lack of it and the state of the country. I feel perversely happy to see this fervour and anger outside a liberal arts department. This anger might be rooted in disillusionment and often cynicism but I still see hope, for to speak is the first step.
I am posting links to two previous posts on the blog that were rants on a lot of the same topics that are being raised on the streets today and some more issues that I hope we do not forget in these times of fear. Some of you have read them and we've had debates over them but I am hoping to hear from a some more people this time.
jinhe naaz hai hind par vo kahaaN haiN ...zaraa m...
Some questions, many issues

India post 26/11/08: There is hope, when I hear the rising voices from Mumbai and the nation post 26/11/08...

2008-12-02T14:56:00.029+05:30

The Status bar on my Facebook account has been saying that I want all the redundant rhetoric (post the Mumbai nightmare) to stop. And that I want all of us to see how we can help in turning some of the rhetoric into reality. This is true and I am, especially, referring to the electronic media in our country. They, I must give credit, have been doing an exemplary job ( even if often overenthusiastic and sometimes irresponsible) in the last few days but are now going round and round in circles in dealing with people's reactions to the horrid events in Mumbai and their fall out. Since, the night of 26th November my mind like yours, I am sure, is buzzing, the shock and anguish were followed by anger. Anger against many things not just against the terrorists, their backers and political apathy; arguments and counter arguments are raging through my head. But the time for another empty rant has run out, we have to channelize this anger and have sane discussions.
The Mumbai tragedy was loud and long drawn but don't forget we have been a target of continous attacks and have been in this defenseless state for a long time now, political parties have changed at the center and the states, over this period. The attacks on citizens across the country continue in form of too common and frequent bomb blasts; in the form of deeply terrorized North-Eastern states of Manipur, Nagaland, Assam, Tripura; to unending dance of violence in J n K; to different forms of attacks in Gujarat, West Bengal, Madhya Pradesh, Karnataka, Orissa, Maharashtra, in fact, communal and caste violence across the country; to the naxal militancy across so many states; we have many very dangerous enemies from outside and inside.
We need to as citizens find the very solutions whose implementation we are demanding. We have discussed on this blog, many times before, the futility of depending on political leadership to respond. Their response are never to the issues but to the mileage to be gained out of the tragedies, across parties- may it be the shaky ruling coalition or the bloody-minded opposition, whose attitude gets reflected in the very fact that these people have been branding terror suspects from Malegaon, who were being investigated by the late ATS chief Karkare- 'soldiers of Hinduism'. A terrorist is a terrorist, beyond any religion. They, the terrorists, are not attacking just religions or communities, their target is humanity and civilized way of living.
Mumbai, might actually have been the proverbial last straw on the camel's back. The only positive thing that has arisen out of this terrible tragedy is that people, in general, are starting to react to life around them, don't know if it is a passing thing or if, indeed, it is a real change. I am really hoping that these voices can be sustained.
One thing I do know amidst all this confusion, our Democracy is as good as we make it. There is no shrugging responsibility may it be the politicians, the bureaucracy, the civil society or the very in demand, 'aam aadmi', us. I also know that war is not a solution, we have seen far more developed nations struggling with it, we can certainly ill-afford it.
I am going to give some semblance of rationality to all the millions of thoughts and comments buzzing in my head and post again soon with more stuff that I have been feeling, hearing, thinking and processing.

Journey

2008-11-24T15:04:00.016+05:30

"One is not born woman. It is become. "

Simone de Beauvoir, 1949

Hope

2008-11-22T15:32:00.028+05:30

Between the folding black of night,
And the blinding white of day,
Lay something light,
The gentle shades of grey.

Instinct

2008-11-18T14:10:00.004+05:30

Far away from beyond,
Beckons the slippery bond,

Comforting,
Eluding.

Scarily schizophrenic,
Divinely lucid.

Leading,
Following.

Incessant,
Transient.

2008-11-08T18:44:00.002+05:30

I am posting this link at the risk of really annoying my non-cricket crazy friends. I would also like to point out that I am not trying to plug in Cricinfo, I am not even registered on the site. It is just that after reading the following article I just fell in love all over again with a man I am already completely and madly in love with---Rahul Dravid, the author of this feature on VVS. Laxman. The tone is so respectful, gentle and wise, I am eagerly awaiting the day he will write his memoirs. ( I know I seem to be losing it a bit here but that's par course where Dravid is involved.)
http://content-usa.cricinfo.com/magazine/content/story/377042.html

There are many out there...

2008-11-07T19:34:00.013+05:30

I just realised that there are many out there, especially, those around my age group, who feel the same way as me about the change happening in Indian Cricket. I am posting a link that a friend sent me today that completely elaborates what I was saying in the last few lines of my previous post. Just one thing though, like all Indian men the author of this article completely ignores the fact that a whole generation of women who grew up along with them watched as much cricket as them and love the fab five as much as they do. Cricket dominated the nineties, my growing years, completely...the good and bad, the amazing achievements of Tendulkar, Dravid, Kumble, Ganguly, Laxman... then that whole crap with Azhar happend, I remember I cried, it was a kind of 'loss of innocence'. I did my share of debating about team selection and plenty of match analysis (yes, inspite of being just a girl!)... I even greatly admired and argued about players like Waugh, Warne, Mcgrath, Kallis, Gibbs, Cairns n the rest...loved and hated Wasim Akram & other Pakistani greats of the past, I was crazy about Jonty Rhodes...
Not only do I feel really bad about the vacuum that seems to be getting created in the Indian team, I feel something similar is happening in the other teams too. I felt really sad when Gilchrist retired. I was just telling a friend that creeps and weasels seem to be taking over cricket... weasel being Clarke...I will leave you to figure who I think is a creep!
Finally, I must compliment the author of the following article for capturing the emotions of a whole generation of cricket lovers so poignantly...
http://content-usa.cricinfo.com/magazine/content/current/story/376791.html

Anil Kumble- A cricketer and a gentleman

2008-11-03T18:35:00.029+05:30

Sportsperson ho to aisa ho!

I dont know how many of you watched the match in which Kumble played with his fractured jaw taped, it was a lesson in tenacity and determination. And it was not just one isolated incident of incredible heroism, he was always there with his own special brand of confidence.

It feels like the beginning of the end for me...all these big guys in cricket I grew up watching are leaving and I for one think it is too soon, for some by an year or two for others by longer. The mad obsession I had with cricket is slowly wearing off. Sigh, I think I'll take up golf!

When the bubble burst

2008-10-26T14:14:00.007+05:30

I have always had a deep distrust of the global financial systems and economies that run purely on projected figures. I was also very uncomfortable about the lack of focus on sustainable development of rising economies. The credit boom and inflated financial atmosphere across the world discouraged investors from worrying about the credit worthiness of those they trade with and encouraged excess. Some of my friends told me in the past that my distrust arises from ignorance and a lack of understanding of the financial sector, maybe, it was so . I am still quite clueless about the intricacies of the financial sector but I have been doing a lot of reading over the last one month. Especially, about the current global economic meltdown and the more I read the more I feel my lack of trust was justified.

One line that got stuck in my head was part of what the 'The Economist' ( a copy of which a friend forgot in my house) had to say about the role of those who deal in financial products in the current economic crisis- " It helps explain one of the mysteries of recent years: who was taking on the risks that banks and investors were shedding ? Now we know."

I wrote following lines years back because the Wall Street financial types always fascinated me, I always wondered what they were pakoing...now we know.

Race

Blank, pale faces.
Narrow, focused gazes.
Black suits.
Starched shirts.
Polished shoes.
Dark moods.
Practiced, polite murmurs.
Heads whirring numbers.
Cell phones buzzing.
Lap tops burning.
Life of running,
After or from?

PS-The last line does seem a little relevant today.

Some questions, many issues

2008-10-07T14:34:00.002+05:30

I have been meaning to reply to a comment i got to my post on Sahir Ludhianvi's song Jinhe Naaz Hai Hind Par ...

Like Robert Frost would say, I think I know who this anonymous comment is from. If it is indeed from a dear friend of mine, I am sorry I am getting back so heavily but I really need answers to some questions- is what is happening in Orissa and Karnataka right now a sign of progress; is the 'creative' investigative prowess of our law enforcement powers to be taken seriously; what about the fictional Nanavati commission report; the mess of SEZs- where the government acts like a typical Delhi land broker and ruins things for both industry and farmers and the equally corrupt opposition grabs it's chance; are demands for laws curbing religious freedom anything but ridiculous?

Here political touts are allowed to gain power (generation after generation) in the name of language and mythical historical constructs and are allowed to exploit the common man and treat a city which is supposed to be the financial capital of the country as their feifdom. Women are blamed for getting raped and cops become accomplices by wiping out the forensic evidence. Here judges have encouraged women to marry their rapist and have denied couples the right to divorce on a moral whim. Sexuality is morally and lawfully policed here. A country where stigma on skin colour is widely accepted and encouraged; where youngsters are shot dead regularly for marrying a person of their choice; Where college professors are beaten to death and nothing is done to curb those responsible- the organised mafia called youth wings of political parties. This is the country where little girls and boys not only go hungry but are abused and exploited in every unimaginable way, for here paedophilia and incest are not even acknowledged; Women are still beaten, abused, killed for money, sex and for not being able to give male babies (even in the 'developed cities'), of course, I do not even want to mention female foeticide, I'll end up sounding hoarse. This is the country where most families subsist on about a dollar a day. Here people of certain castes are not allowed to enter temples, schools, certain streets in villages or even draw water from some wells, even today. Here primary education is still a target with no functioning schools in many parts of the country. Basic civic amenities are not even an achievable dream for most of the population, yes, very basic stuff like toilets or clean drinking water (Dont we disgustedly look away from people shitting on the streets, you think they enjoy it?). Here police frequently refuse to take action or even record a complaint against any person in power, especially, if you are poor, dalit, a woman or simply without 'contacts'.

What have these supposed qualified (a widely misused word, degrees do not make education) new political leaders done lately- turned a blind eye to a not so (vote-bankwise) important minority getting systematically targeted. This is a respected Prime Minister who dramatically risks his term to get a dodgy nuclear deal signed but refuses to act against the brutalities being committed across the country. Some politically correct noises are made when the international community lodges it's nominal protest. I get it, it is an electorally heavy year ahead. Same story, same story again and again. Please, do not mistake my criticism of the current Prime Minister as a comment even barely in favour of the opposition. I could make a deal with the devil to stop anybody, even distantly, related to the right wing opposition from coming to power, ever.

Anyway where do I stop the list? It seriously is too long for this blog. Am I sounding angry and harsh? Well, it is time more of us did so. Economic liberalisation and rabid expansionism do not translate into development in any sense unless the policies are sustainable, a word, sadly, nobody thinks is important (this is a topic that deserves a post all of its own). Remember our policies are five year plans- the buck stops where the term ends. .

Animal Instincts

2008-10-07T11:28:00.005+05:30

I often wish, I was a turtle,
To hide in a shell in times of trouble.

I also wish I was a cat,
I could love me, even when lazy and fat.

Or, maybe, just a crow,
Who is not always reaching for a higher brow.

Couldn’t I just have been a pig?
And ignore all the muck in my dig.

I wouldn’t mind being a dog at all,
For then I could easily love all.

I wouldn’t say no to be a dove,
Everyone could use me for peace and love.

I am okay with all, except human,
It is no better than being a demon.

Leaving too soon? Destination too far.

2008-07-31T17:56:00.000+05:30

Love turned into guilt,
Like wine into vinegar.
When layers of apathy got built.
Not exactly bitter, just too sour.

A fast pervading annoyance,
Hidden by projected affection.
Trying to fake innocence,
Where there is just desperation.

2008-07-07T13:52:00.001+05:30

2008-05-20T13:51:00.003+05:30

jinhe naaz hai hind par vo kahaaN haiN

...zaraa mulk ke raahbaroN ko bulaao
ye kuuche ye galiyaaN ye maNzar dikhaao
jinheN naaz hai hind par unako laao
jinhe naaz hai hind par vo kahaaN haiN?
kahaaN haiN kahaaN haiN kahaaN haiN?

For complete lyrics of the song go to---
http://www.sahirludhianvi.com/blog/index.php/2006/11/07/poetry/jinhe-naaz-hai-hind-par-vo-kahaan-hain/

For the video go to---
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOGczQ1VEKw

This song, ‘jinhe naaz hai hind par vo kahaaN haiN’, was written by Sahir Ludhianvi for the 1957 Guru Dutt film, ‘Pyaasa’. The music was composed by S.D. Burman. It is the sheer genius of Guru Dutt and Sahir Ludhianvi that they created something so timeless. Every line in the song invokes a thousand emotions. It has been picturised in a street where sex workers live, at a glance, the song could be about a society that leads its women into prostitution. Though I see that message I believe it is just a metaphor, there are many more layers to the song. You could interpret and visualize the the lyrics in many ways. These soul stirring words could have been written today. It is also the utter misfortune of this country that this song still reflects our society, perfectly. Nothing has changed for better in the fifty years, since it was written, things have just got worse.

I often offend people by saying that I am deeply unpatriotic. What is patriotism, is it jingoism about pride in territorial boundaries, flags, nationhood, statehood, language, cricket teams and other nationalistic historical constructs? I believe today these are defining points of patriotism. I cannot identify with any of these things (I am supposed beat my chest about). Like, I love Hindi/ Urdu as languages, especially, when I read poetry or prose in them. For me they are beautiful channels of communication that evolved over a long period of time, I do not associate them with a geographical, political or religious divides.

If patriotism is celebrating a nation-state, shouldn’t we celebrate what they are made of? The people who live in them, their joys and miseries. When I watch the patriotic overdrive that the whole country goes into during the 15 August and 26 January celebrations, I feel like playing this song to those who form the political machinery of this country, especially, the last stanza.

Magazines these days are full of random surveys, which are supposed to reflect what a society thinks. I read the results of one such survey where X number of people said they are so proud to be Indians and all that blah. I wanted to ask these X number of people- “What are your quotients?” What makes you so proud?

I know there are lovely things in this country too, like the food, the beautiful places, a lot of amazing art and culture but will quoting these nullify all the shit that is happening on a more grassroots level. Will the blanket celebration of these make a difference to someone whose family is starving, who is a victim of natural disasters and receives no help or is a brilliant artisan living off the streets? Even celebrations today look like huge brooms that want to sweep the pertinent issues under one huge carpet.

When I say India, I say so because that is the only country I have lived in and know first hand about. This rant of mine could apply to any country or community.

Everyday, like most people I know, I start my day with reading the newspaper and everyday I wake up angry, miserable or just disgusted, in turns. There is so much, just so much brutality against women, unexplainable cruelty against children, there is just so much mindless violence and unfairness in general. But what angers me most is the sheer apathy shown by the people who are given the power to undo all this, in fact, they add most of the sewage themselves. I am not talking about a party or a particular government. I am talking about all those parasites in positions of power, who were, are and hope to hold the reins. These are the people that I think of when I hear this song. These are the ones that try to create and harness this fervour called patriotism to gain those little tools of power called votes.

I am not naïve, I know no lists of facts, figures, pictures or stories will change those in politics, their agenda at hand is always- greed, for money and power.

For me jinhe naaz hai hind par vo kahaaN haiN is a more relevant song than say, 'Vande Mataram', which I do think is a very pretty song .

Thanks for the lyrics to http://www.sahirludhianvi.com/blog/index.php/2006/11/07/poetry/jinhe-naaz-hai-hind-par-vo-kahaan-hain/

This be the verse

2008-05-20T12:20:00.005+05:30

Now that I am the terrible age of thirty ( I am not calling it terrible, the world does), everyone and their neighbours are curious about why I don't have kids. In the last couple of years I was warned by doctors and ordinary mortals alike that the clock is ticking and the eleventh hour hath arrriveth. I tried hard to feel scared, worried, at the least, uncomfortable. The thick skinned creature that I am, I just didnt feel convinced by the urgently toned warnings. I was even told it is a social responsibility- that's funny 'coz I thought society is already burdened with too many kids who had not chosen to come into this horrid world.
Anyway with a few people I tried to politely explain why (other than Hubby n me being quite happy by ourselves) I didnt find the idea of having kids very interesting. Then I remembered a Philip Larkins poem that had totally blown me away when I had first read it, back in college days in good old St. Joseph's.

This be the verse
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Philip Larkin

Brimming

2008-04-17T10:28:00.002+05:30

Sinking slow stillness.
Receding skies, rekindling doubts.
Slippery sussarant whispers.
Seeping feelings, haphazardly filling
A valve, jamming, killing.
A desperate need for thought,
A numbing fear of that

A Good Person

2008-02-01T10:58:00.000+05:30

I often think I should be a better person,
I am sure you think so too,
That I should be a better person.
But, better than what or who?

House hunting, looking too young(not in a flattering way) , living with a tree and other such troubles

2007-07-31T19:53:00.000+05:30

Coming soon, well, as soon as I can get my head around it.

My fav line in the book

2007-07-22T20:51:00.001+05:30

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?
Albus Dumbledore
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Alter life

2007-07-20T00:00:00.001+05:30

After years of chugging along just fine, life has suddenly come to a point where I really need to decide which way to go. Not much will change; I will live in a city and work on some really dreary stuff (hopefully there will be splashes of sparkling stuff). But I know there is an alter life waiting to happen, somewhere in the Himalayas, in a nicely heated cottage, on a small meadow, through which a stream runs. Where on one side an orchard stands (protecting the house from the sharp winds) and on the other side there is a dramatic view of the green mountains capped with silver peaks. Oh yes, we (the dearest husband and me) grow organic herbs, fruits and veggies for a living! And I shoot off brilliantly funny novels, once in a while. If we walk down a twisty path, we have some lovely Pahari neighbours who invite us over for tea and let us into all the local gossip. In the mornings we tend to our farm. Later Husband takes care of the wood stock and general maintenance; I cook lovely organic meals. Everyday I walk into the village to pick our dairy supplies (can’t handle the thought of a personal cow, yet) and pick up a bunch of newspapers (my only link to the dreary). Occasionally, when we feel really anguished by a cause we grab our equipment and trundle down to the 'real' world and shoot soul stirring documentaries (the post production will happen in our lil' heaven on the hills). If you are very good (to us) we might just invite you over for a stay in our paradise. Please get some city goodies, like the latest books and chocolates (only dark firang ones, no Cadburys, please) as gifts. This may lead to baskets of those yummy home grown stuff (as you leave) and further invitations.

In Passing

2007-07-01T00:09:00.000+05:30

Track the thought,
Think a lot,
Dig in deep,
It might just peep.

It was right there,
For you to snare.
It was so clear,
How did it disappear?

When it first did occur,
You left it for later.
Should have held it tight,
You treated it too light.

Travel n living therapy

2007-06-07T12:08:00.000+05:30

I am not a huge fan of electronic news, the hysteria and utter shamelessness of it makes me very uncomfortable. Things got really worse after 9/11, the ghastly pictures of the plane crashing into the building became a kind of benchmark for news channels, it was almost like they were all competing to get a scarier sight than that. Personally, for me, they managed to do it with all those pictures of children’s bones in Nithari. Around that time my TV remote decided to migrate to travel & lifestyle channels.
Now I am hooked. I am a major foodie so meeting Anthony Bourdain, Jamie Oliver and Kylie Kwong was a life changing experience (I got hungrier!). I got a whole lot of fodder for my diet of daydreams too. All those wonderful places, with beautiful beaches; hills; food and lovely people were beckoning me. I would look at the vast quantities of lovely clothes and make resolutions everyday to become a fashionable size ten (wild dreams!!!) and look all chic. I would look at quaint little homes with quirky architecture and tell myself I must remember this for when (if ever) I build my own home.
Anyway, I don’t know if I will ever manage to fulfill any of the above fantasies but one thing that I do know is that, these channels have helped me escape the clutches of news and have saved my sanity. I recommend a strong dose of these channels to those afflicted like me.

Migration of a remote control

2007-06-07T12:02:00.000+05:30

I flip the channel,
Tune from news to travel.

I prefer surf and sand
To horrors of this land.

A dose of amazing homes,
Not children’s bones.

Street fashion in New York,
Not street fights in Iraq.

Gourmet cafes and bars,
Definitely not live wars.

I choose to be brain shallow,
Than get soul hollow.

About a friend

2007-06-05T14:55:00.000+05:30

Yesterday, I heard of passing away of a friend’s brother. He was I think only twenty-one or twenty-two.
The news left me totally shaken up, mostly because of the feeling of sheer helplessness that death leaves after it. Not that I could have helped this friend too much. We stopped speaking to each other a couple years back, over something very trivial, as is the case usually.
Strangely after hearing the news, I felt like I had spoken to her just yesterday.
I could clearly recall her talking of her brother with a mixture of pride and exasperation (the tone we all usually reserve for our siblings). I remember her stories of their shared childhood, of her parent’s worry about his future, an impulsive act of his that changed his life. He sounded so smart and strong. Given the age difference between them, she kind of brought him up. I remember her pride in him.
I never met him but I spent some very beautiful times with her. She cannot watch anybody being upset or unhappy, she would clown around till everyone smiled again.
Now I know that this inclination of hers must have become a necessity. I can almost see her trying and succeeding to look strong, while her heart is breaking again and again. I hear her attending dozens of phone calls explaining that yes, indeed, it is rare at that age to have a fatal heart attack. I see her organising the day-to-day lives of her father, mother and the young sister-in-law. Going through the motions of being in control while suspending her own share of mourning. She, who prided herself on her bohemian, disorganized lifestyle. She hated conforming; I am scared, now, she is doing it all.
The one consolation is that her dearest friend is with her. She is a great one for friends; glad she has the one she needs most with her now.
I ache for her and her family; I wish I could do something to help her through this pain. I wish I could just hug her and tell her everything will be alright (and mean it).

Itchy Labels

2007-05-31T20:45:00.000+05:30

Give me my jeans so well worn,
And a baggy sweatshirt nicely warm.
Allow me the dirty old sofa,
For I am happy, I have come so far.

A bitter pill called Chini Kum

2007-05-28T11:31:00.000+05:30

Yes, I hated the movie…yes I am sounding too vehement. I MISSED MY F1 RACE yesterday ‘coz the tickets were purchased for the film over the net, without a thought given to the race. It gets worse, Alonso won and I was not watching (for the non-race-watching ones, Alonso is the reigning World Champion and I adore him).
That was just the start. Now why did I hate Chini Kum…. ah let me count the ways-
Lets be generous and start with what was good in the movie:
- Tabu looked fantastic and was acting the part in her natural easy style, effortlessly.
- Production quality was good, that is, camera, lighting and editing were reasonably clean.
- The one song that I recall from the film had a catchy tune.

Now what was bad about the film?
- Bad dialogues, there were a couple of good jokes but they were stretched to the limit and became boring over the course of the film.
- Amitabh was his usual (current) loud, spoofy self, very annoying
- Too long, could have been an hour shorter (actually could have not existed at all)
- There was a sick, dying kid in the film called Sexy (!!!), who was making all kinds of sexual innuendos (creepy stuff)… but to give credit to the kid she was very smart and all, unlike the usual Hindi film chokably cute kids.
- Zohra Sehgal and Paresh Rawal, totally wasted with bad dialogues and silly roles.
- Mahatama Gandhi brought in again; the bane of Lage Raho… we will watch a whole lot of films using Gandhi very irrelevantly and irreverently, for a while now.
- Bad direction, Balki should have stuck to creating puke inducing ads, Fair and Lovely is his brand, I guess that says it all.
- And what is the big deal about a romance between a 64 year and a 34 year old, A SERIOUSLY AGING NTR, RAJNIKANT, RAJ KUMAR HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ROMANCING SIXTEEN YEAR OLDS!

Filmsmyth

2007-05-25T02:16:00.000+05:30

The fickle soul that i am, i have rubbished the wordpress blog that i had created for Filmsmyth, it was kind of boring.
So here we have a new (and final) blog for our company Filmsmyth, http://filmsmyth.blogspot.com/ and for a change we mean business, atleast, we think we do.

Best Friend ( Sports Category) ;0

2007-05-24T13:50:00.001+05:30

i am thrilled i got my first comment from my best friend(sports category) Anup. I shall try my best to keep him supplied with intelligent(hopefully) notes in return to his keeping me posted on the latest football, tennis,F1 and cricket stuff.

Step into my parlour

2007-05-24T11:26:00.000+05:30

It hasn't been a day since I entered the world of blogging and I have already started shopping. Now I have another blog, for our company Filmsmyth. We shall do our work related (/lack of work) ranting on that. I am the the proverbial fly in this web, totally lost. But i have a new resolve that I shall log n blog regularly.

In Loving Memory of

2007-05-23T14:06:00.005+05:30

I found it today,
Lying in my girlhood diary.
Internalizing the folds,
Loving hands made.

It may have in a moment of mushiness
Been pressed into my quivering hands.
My Mills And Boon nourished heart
Pressed it carefully between pink pages.

Over the years,
The law of diminishing returns
Has taken its toll
On my poor romantic soul.

Now I see a grey one-rupee note
Given in change
On buying a bag of chips,
I spent an idle evening munching.

My body does remember this,
Rather generously so.
It is my mind
That lets everything go.

Thots

2007-05-23T13:28:00.001+05:30

Written in utter anguish after someone told me of a girl who was repeatedly raped by her father over a period of many months, I was already very disturbed about the war in Iraq and the massacres in Gujarat,thus, the extended ranting.

Nothing sacred about it!

Relationships-
Father to daughter,
With mother’s back to her.

Husbands to wives,
With incidental children in their lives.

Sex-
Bound in rules,
Policed by self-appointed fools.

Always apologizing for choices,
That weren’t already hidden in lies.

Education-
Degrees define learning,
Knowledge is left drowning.

Tiny tots tottering to school,
They still can’t wipe their own drool.

Work-
Bribe, beat, bully,
But get a job finally.

For you are your job,
No more than a mere corporate blob.

History-
Heroes are imposed and quickly disposed,
Gandhi is used and often abused.

Invented, re-invented, twisted and turned,
With every new government a new chapter’s learnt.

Geography-
Boundaries get tighter,
Walls built higher.

A global village for the rich,
Roads for the rest don’t reach.

Humanity-
What?
What’s that?

A word generally confined to classroom,
But often invoked in times of doom.

Most of all religion-
Holy Christ, Allah hoo, hey Ram, wahe Guru,
All mere names none ring true.

Tossed around, round and round.
This ‘sacred’ word will be the burial ground.

07-07-05

Boxed

2007-05-23T13:19:00.005+05:30

Morbid, blank black verse,
Written in sheer desperation.
Stuck in a 12/16 area,
Often called a corporate boardroom.